Listening Inward

Is it a sign that I talked about Mary for the first time in forever yesterday?

Boom! That's a sign - Gif

Is it a sign that I am feeling like she is poking me, and impatiently calling my number again and again.

Is that a sign?

No, you might say, and I agree. All of those things are not signs.

But when talking to other people, they thought of something Mary had said in the past few days, or a random facebook memory appeared in their newsfeed. We all in some way were connecting with Mary.

Are those signs?

Some might still say no, but I think those might be signs.

I am not saying that I believe Mary is here on earth, in ghost form, next to me or them. You know, those persisting, nagging spirits in movies or TV shows that never shut up and rattle windows.

But I feel like I am being guided to connect with people, my sister, my clients. I feel like I have something to show, something to teach.I cannot do it justice in describing it, because I am not sure I can trust this feeling.

Why can I not trust this feeling?

Relating this back to dog training, I had the same distrust issues.

I used to struggle with trusting my feeling, intuition when it came to any of my training sessions. I would try everything to control a situation and when I could not, I could feel my anger and distrust in my dogs bubbling up. It turned me into a hard trainer. It turned me into a person who did not have trust or belief in her dogs, herself or anyone.

So I have been working on myself, my trust issues ever since the day Mary died. I worked hard to reconnect with my family, my friends and make up for the time spent alone grieving. I worked hard to find myself again, find joy. Mostly I worked on listening to my dogs.

Bella and Emma at the farm enjoying the snow 2025

So to see these signs, and feeling called to action by Mary, has me feeling giddy and more ambitious than I have in a long time. I have been applying myself more to my dogs and their training. There is a night and day difference in our relationship now versus then, and it can only get better from here.

I feel driven to try harder. I feel as if the whole world is open to me and my ideas, and that no matter which path I choose to walk on, that I am going to be okay.

I am going to be just fine.

I am choosing to follow this feeling, Mary. I cannot fail.

I am training my dogs daily. Forming new bonds while being around them more intentionally. I am training with more purpose and goals. I have passion.

I do not know why, nor how.

But I know that Mary is watching me, keeping me on the straight and narrow. Ensuring that I do right. Ensuring that I do not venture too far off the path.

I felt like a Mario-car that sped off the expressway time and time again, being saved to just fall off again. This feeling, Mary, feels like she is not just saving me, but

she installed speed increasers and bumpers in the curves, so I cannot fall – fail.

She has been gone for almost three years, and we, her chosen family, still talk about her as if she were right here with us.

I wonder if she knows.

I wonder if she knows what is happening to us and the world.

Mary’s death seemed the most unfair thing that could have happened to me.

Though I have to say, death always seems unfair.

First, Death took Mowgly from me, Scooter from Hanah, then Mary, Eileen, Moose and so many newborn lambs each year I have lambed, but especially Molly.

Death always appears to be the answer when nothing adds up.

Dog training does not always add up either. Dog training is hard and tough at moments.

So I am asking you to give yourself some patience, grace and peace in all areas of your life. Including forgiving your dog, who understands your emotions (and mirrors them back) best.

All rambling aside to say that these past few days have been a little extra hard for me.

I want to follow this guiding feeling.

I am allowing myself to trust this feeling.